in sickness . . .

Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m ill, I get terribly anxious about . . . well, just about anything.

It’s as if all the time I spend sitting doing nothing, for days on end (for when I get sick, I rarely leave my bed. I find I heal faster if I don’t over exert myself and just allow my body to recuperate) just gives my brain opportunity to feed my irrational – and rational -fears. This time, during my spout of illness, I’ve been plagued by a few different fears: 1) flying 2) being a boring person and 3) getting married.

  1. flying

God, why am I so scared of this? It’s not really that I’m afraid of flying itself, it’s just that I’ve never flown before and I’m deathly afraid that I’m going to hate it. I hate car trips, for one, and if a drive is more than 45 minutes, I rebel. I refuse to go on road trips unless I absolutely have to. Also, spending large amounts of money gives me anxiety, and I just plopped down a whopping 1480.00 for two round trip tickets to our destination of choice. And that, whoa, that was a major eye opener. I’m flying now whether I want to change my mind or not. I’m getting on that plane and I’m spending 42 hours total on it. What if I hate it? What if I’m miserable? What if I wasted 42 hours of my life on something that I might not even survive?!?!?! Okay, okay, calm down. It’s gonna be okay. Here’s to hoping the destination of my dreams is worth overcoming my fear.

2. being a boring person

This is a weird one. I’m not quite sure where to begin, exactly. All my life I’ve been surrounded by fascinating people. People who have interesting lives and stories, who are intelligent, witty, wealthy, and popular. That’s a funny thought, too, considering I am none of those things. These people have always accepted my offers to “hang out” graciously, and to anyone else, it would appear we have a good time. I’d even say myself that I had a good time. But when the favor is not returned, it completely negates the feeling of joy previously had. Does that make sense? It was a little wordy, I’ll admit. Here, let me clarify: If I ask you to hang out, I’d appreciate if you’d do the same to me. Friendship is a two sided coin, people. You don’t get heads up every time, no matter how lucky you are. You’re gonna get tails eventually, and you better keep your end of the bargain, otherwise I’ll stop offering to play.

The fact that this has happened to me since I was a child, every. single. time. makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Why won’t anyone ask me to hang out? Am I mean? Crude? Are my jokes getting old? Or am I just plain ole . . . boring? God forbid! I live to make people laugh, and I’d like to think my dry, self-depreciating humor is funny to someone! It would kill me to know that people don’t find me . . . worthwhile. So yeah, that’s something I’ve been freaking out over lately.

3. getting married.

Okay. So, some of you may have read my other post and know I’m getting married this autumn. I’m very, very excited, don’t get me wrong. But I’m also absolutely terrified. I was going through my Spotify today, adding songs to our wedding dance playlist and suddenly, listening to all the beautiful love songs, I got so very nervous. Some thoughts that crossed my mind throughout the feverish haze of the last three days:

“I’m too young to get married! I’m wasting so much potential and freedom!”

“What if I get tired of him? What if he’s not who I thought he was? What if I’m not who he thought I was? What if we end up resenting each other forever?!”

“What if no one ever speaks to us again because all our other friends are still single and they won’t go out with us because we’re boring, old, married people?”

“What if I get cold feet? What if someone I loved from my past shows up and makes me regret everything?”

“What if 20 years down the road I meet my real true love and I can’t do anything about it?”

Now, if you read my other post, mentioned above, you’ll know I have a perfectly valid and reasonable argument to talk myself out of these nonsensical fears. I’ll be okay, I’m still going to walk down the isle, and I’m not going to regret anything. I am madly in love, and I always will be. But, still, when I am sick, or lonely, or tired, these thoughts creep into my mind and make me question things I normally wouldn’t think twice about. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous for one’s own wedding, at least that’s what I’m telling myself as I try to resurface from the waves of sickness . . .

Funny, as I write about these things, I realize . . . Do you know what all these “fears” have in common? They all have different names for the one fear they are all actually present in.

It’s the fear of the unknown.

I don’t know what flying is going to be like.

I don’t know what people think of me.

I don’t know what life being married will be like.

It’s all the unknown. We don’t know what tomorrow brings, but that doesn’t stop us from waking up. It doesn’t stop us from getting in our cars, on our bicycles, taking each step down the sidewalk . . . We can’t predict the future. So instead of obsessing over it, we must embrace it. That is what makes life special and exciting. We don’t know what will be thrown our way and we must face it – head on – and prove to ourselves, and everyone around us, that we are forces to be reckoned with.

We are human; strong, and brave, and defiant. We don’t let the unknown stop us from pursuing our dreams. Dream on, dreamers. You’ve got this.

Es ist was es ist,

c.w. north

losing my best friend

Summers eve and all was well with the world

you were filled with laughter, your smile was a light;

you thought I was special, and thought I was kind

I never felt better than stood by your side.

We shared so many memories and moments;

I cherished them all, they were delicate, small.

I held all my hopes like butterflies in my hands;

you were a hope I had rested upon.

“We’ll always be friends, forever and ever

not even oceans can separate us.”

“I promise it back,” I’d said so assured.

“I’ll always be there for you, no matter the cost.”

The promises spoken were true for a while

through Christmas to birthday to Christmas again.

Then one day we travelled to places so new

and time together became wishes for time apart.

You didn’t like this thing I did;

that thing that you never saw before.

Uptight and tense, I did not like your tone

of how you would say “no time, let’s go.”

7 hours home and you were so quiet

you did not like the sound of my voice.

I did not make you laugh, I was no longer funny;

my smile, I did not get one back.

And now we were home and you said goodbye,

to your family you must see.

I said “talk later” but later did not come

I did not see you again for several weeks.

We went out to lunch, I made the same jokes

I had always made around you.

But instead of smiles and laughs I’d receive

a cold and unwelcoming sigh.

I did not have fun around you anymore,

you always had something to say of my ways.

All the food I ate, funny, the drinks I’d make, gross

and my clothes were distasteful and plain.

I stopped saying hi to you from that day on

and I stopped playing cool when you’d mock me.

I stopped being nice and asking you out

I stopped making jokes to be funny.

I stopped writing letters, I stopped making calls,

I stopped coming by in the morning.

I stopped all the likes and the comments online,

and I stopped saying your name out in public.

And all that time I thought all I did

would make an impression, to cause you to think.

Then I find out, in the cruelest of ways,

your true feelings about me this time.

You never noticed when I said hi

and you never noticed my silence.

You always had an excuse in your pocket

in case I would ask you out.

You didn’t think life was all that too funny

unless you were laughing at someone’s expense.

You tossed all my letters,

you “missed” all my calls,

because you were too busy to talk in the morning.

You never saw all my likes or my comments

because you deleted the apps on your phone

“time is to precious to waste it online”

and therefore disregarded my profession.

And though I am hurt, I am not all alone

you were not my only succession.

I have many friends who actually like me

and care about my reputation.

And if you’ll allow me to say a few things

I really must let you know

that your Michael Kors and your Dior foundation

can’t fill the void in your soul.

No matter the cost of your blonde balayage

or the Tiffany ring on your finger,

no matter how often your mommy and daddy

tell you they love who you are,

if you can’t be good to the people around you,

unless you get something you want,

you’ll always be searching for the next best thing

and darling, it never will come.

Now that I’m gone and away from your life

You’ll never know if I miss you

and because of the person that you’ve become

you’ll always assume that I do.

The truth is I don’t think about you at all

except to sigh sadly and say,

“I wish that my best friend would find out a way

to be happy without being cruel.”

I’m sorry I wouldn’t be mean to others

just to make you laugh.

I’m sorry I didn’t compliment

that 300 dollar purse you bought.

I’m sorry you don’t like the person I am

or what I am doing with my life

but the point is it’s my life and none of your business

so please step out of the way.

If you decide that people mean more

than the material things that you own

I promise I’ll be waiting to hear you say

you’re sorry for being that way.

But because I know you as well as myself,

I know that day will not come

because unfortunately I have seen

the way you have done this before.

You assume it’s the world that needs to say sorry

for stepping on your toes

but the world doesn’t care if it messes your hair

or if mommy and daddy say “no.”

I hope you remember the good things in life

when you think back on this time

instead of regret for wasting your time

by not making friendships that last.

Your boss won’t care if you’re at her wedding

and she won’t text you once you quit.

If that’s the friendship you think will last

then I hope it’s a perfect fit.

Goodbye to the memories I thought that we shared

you burned them so long ago

Goodbye to the person I thought that I knew

you were before you decide to grow,

to grow up into someone who had no time

for fun or laughter or smiles

who thinks that happiness can be bought

down the Chanel perfume isle.

I’m sorry to say that I won’t be waiting

holding my breath for you to come back.

I won’t beg you to keep me

because did you know?

Your opinion doesn’t define my worth.

Your opinion doesn’t define my worth.

Your opinion doesn’t define my worth.


 

© 2017 C.W.North – All rights Reserved