in sickness . . .

Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m ill, I get terribly anxious about . . . well, just about anything.

It’s as if all the time I spend sitting doing nothing, for days on end (for when I get sick, I rarely leave my bed. I find I heal faster if I don’t over exert myself and just allow my body to recuperate) just gives my brain opportunity to feed my irrational – and rational -fears. This time, during my spout of illness, I’ve been plagued by a few different fears: 1) flying 2) being a boring person and 3) getting married.

  1. flying

God, why am I so scared of this? It’s not really that I’m afraid of flying itself, it’s just that I’ve never flown before and I’m deathly afraid that I’m going to hate it. I hate car trips, for one, and if a drive is more than 45 minutes, I rebel. I refuse to go on road trips unless I absolutely have to. Also, spending large amounts of money gives me anxiety, and I just plopped down a whopping 1480.00 for two round trip tickets to our destination of choice. And that, whoa, that was a major eye opener. I’m flying now whether I want to change my mind or not. I’m getting on that plane and I’m spending 42 hours total on it. What if I hate it? What if I’m miserable? What if I wasted 42 hours of my life on something that I might not even survive?!?!?! Okay, okay, calm down. It’s gonna be okay. Here’s to hoping the destination of my dreams is worth overcoming my fear.

2. being a boring person

This is a weird one. I’m not quite sure where to begin, exactly. All my life I’ve been surrounded by fascinating people. People who have interesting lives and stories, who are intelligent, witty, wealthy, and popular. That’s a funny thought, too, considering I am none of those things. These people have always accepted my offers to “hang out” graciously, and to anyone else, it would appear we have a good time. I’d even say myself that I had a good time. But when the favor is not returned, it completely negates the feeling of joy previously had. Does that make sense? It was a little wordy, I’ll admit. Here, let me clarify: If I ask you to hang out, I’d appreciate if you’d do the same to me. Friendship is a two sided coin, people. You don’t get heads up every time, no matter how lucky you are. You’re gonna get tails eventually, and you better keep your end of the bargain, otherwise I’ll stop offering to play.

The fact that this has happened to me since I was a child, every. single. time. makes me wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Why won’t anyone ask me to hang out? Am I mean? Crude? Are my jokes getting old? Or am I just plain ole . . . boring? God forbid! I live to make people laugh, and I’d like to think my dry, self-depreciating humor is funny to someone! It would kill me to know that people don’t find me . . . worthwhile. So yeah, that’s something I’ve been freaking out over lately.

3. getting married.

Okay. So, some of you may have read my other post and know I’m getting married this autumn. I’m very, very excited, don’t get me wrong. But I’m also absolutely terrified. I was going through my Spotify today, adding songs to our wedding dance playlist and suddenly, listening to all the beautiful love songs, I got so very nervous. Some thoughts that crossed my mind throughout the feverish haze of the last three days:

“I’m too young to get married! I’m wasting so much potential and freedom!”

“What if I get tired of him? What if he’s not who I thought he was? What if I’m not who he thought I was? What if we end up resenting each other forever?!”

“What if no one ever speaks to us again because all our other friends are still single and they won’t go out with us because we’re boring, old, married people?”

“What if I get cold feet? What if someone I loved from my past shows up and makes me regret everything?”

“What if 20 years down the road I meet my real true love and I can’t do anything about it?”

Now, if you read my other post, mentioned above, you’ll know I have a perfectly valid and reasonable argument to talk myself out of these nonsensical fears. I’ll be okay, I’m still going to walk down the isle, and I’m not going to regret anything. I am madly in love, and I always will be. But, still, when I am sick, or lonely, or tired, these thoughts creep into my mind and make me question things I normally wouldn’t think twice about. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous for one’s own wedding, at least that’s what I’m telling myself as I try to resurface from the waves of sickness . . .

Funny, as I write about these things, I realize . . . Do you know what all these “fears” have in common? They all have different names for the one fear they are all actually present in.

It’s the fear of the unknown.

I don’t know what flying is going to be like.

I don’t know what people think of me.

I don’t know what life being married will be like.

It’s all the unknown. We don’t know what tomorrow brings, but that doesn’t stop us from waking up. It doesn’t stop us from getting in our cars, on our bicycles, taking each step down the sidewalk . . . We can’t predict the future. So instead of obsessing over it, we must embrace it. That is what makes life special and exciting. We don’t know what will be thrown our way and we must face it – head on – and prove to ourselves, and everyone around us, that we are forces to be reckoned with.

We are human; strong, and brave, and defiant. We don’t let the unknown stop us from pursuing our dreams. Dream on, dreamers. You’ve got this.

Es ist was es ist,

c.w. north

for better or for worse

You fear, sometimes, I do not love you so much as you wish? My dear…I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known you the more have I lov’d. In every way – even my jealousies have been agonies of Love, in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you. I have vex’d you too much. But for Love! Can I help it? You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest. When you pass’d my window home yesterday, I was fill’d with as much admiration as if I had then seen you for the first time. You uttered a half complaint once that I only lov’d your Beauty. Have I nothing else then to love in you but that? Do not I see a heart naturally furnish’d with wings imprison itself with me? No ill prospect has been able to turn your thoughts a moment from me. This perhaps should be as much a subject of sorrow as joy – but I will not talk of that. Even if you did not love me I could not help an entire devotion to you: how much more deeply then must I feel for you knowing you love me. My Mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it. I never felt my Mind repose upon anything with complete and undistracted enjoyment – upon no person but you. When you are in the room my thoughts never fly out of window: you always concentrate my whole senses.” – John Keats

~

Recently, I became engaged to the love of my life.

I don’t know about you, but I believe in love at first sight. You can only really believe it once it happens to you. I used to be a skeptic, but once the love of my life walked into the room and we locked eyes, I knew. He is everything I ever dreamed of and more. He is smart, sweet, funny, nerdy, sexy, goofy, and kind. He’s got great abs too! Man, I really hit the jackpot with this one. Of course, if I said he was all those things to his face, he would deny it. He is a humble one, my man.

Our love story isn’t that *exciting* or *dramatic* if those are words you would choose. But it is our love story so it’s just perfect enough for us. After we first met, I pined after him for a year and a half (those were obviously the worst days of my life.) Then, one day I must have been annoying enough that he thought asking me out would shut me up! Haha, kidding, kidding. He asked me out to coffee and well, it’s been many cups of coffee shared since then. We love all the same things such as music, coffee, poetry, literature, theatre, and art. He’s a real renaissance man. (That’s actually the farthest thing from the truth! He is the guitarist in a metal band, and the drummer in an emo rock band. The renaissance part is hidden inside.)

I used to believe I would never get married, or want to get married. But when that one person comes along and floats into your life, you really have no choice but to give into the wonderful experience of falling in love.

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Also: I said “I love you” first and he said “thanks” back, so I think I win an award for “most dedicated and unperturbed lover.” Luckily for me, 4 months later he said “I love you” too and I finally got to say it back (since I didn’t dare utter the words again with the kind of response I got the first time!)

I guess I should try to be serious at least a little on this subject. If I were to say one thing about love, that I would hope someone would listen to and take to heart, it would be this: Love is commitment, and a one shot, hit or miss deal. When you say “I do”, you are saying for better or for worse. You’re saying, “if you turn out to be someone other than the person I thought you were, it doesn’t matter. I will stick by your side forever because I promised I would. It doesn’t matter if anyone else comes in my life who I think is cute or smart or funny. They’re not you. They aren’t the person I said yes to forever with. You are my one and only love and that’s just how it is.” So don’t say “I love you” and don’t say “I do”unless you are willing to commit yourself to a lifetime with the one person you want by your side.

Yeah, it’s terrifying. That’s why I don’t take it lightly. I’m scared do death to say “I do” on my wedding day, but I’m more scared of being alone, and sad, and having an empty life. I’m more afraid of those things than thinking I’ve made a mistake in my choice of companionship. Luckily for me, I’m madly in love with my man, and even when we argue and disagree, we love each other enough to work through it in preparation for our future. It’s always been worth it. He’s always been worth it.

I wish you the best in your romantic endeavors. Love is never in vain. Don’t give up, and remember to respect yourself enough to find someone who loves you like they should.

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.” – Ray Croft

Es ist was es ist

c.w.